2017-11-24 Cuba, SO GOOD!

2017-11-24 Cuba, SO GOOD!

Obama realized how dumb it was to keep the trade embargo active with Cuba, so he gave it a pink slip a few years back.  I’d been talking about going for a couple years but it never made it to fruition.  Fortunately, Giancarlo and Christina picked dates that I was actually available for AND we got direct flights on Alaska Airlines for $450 ish!  It’s as easy as flying to NYC.  So we booked flights for thanksgiving and promptly forgot about everything else for a couple months.  At two different times leading up to the trip, there were news articles passed around about how our beloved President Trump was trying to mess with our vacation by hate mongering on Cuba, pulling out all US staff at the US embassy in Cuba, and revoking many of the travel permissions that Obama had put into place to allow easier access for Americans into Cuba.  Luckily since our plane tickets were purchased before these new policies went into effect, Donald’s plans to thwart our vacation were ineffective.

Fast forward to the first day of travel.  Holly and I were, predictably, incredibly hungover after a night of hanging out with Nick, Justin and Morgan.  A couple of naps and a pool of drool later, we arrived into the little airport in Cuba.  The airport is one of those wonderfully small 2 terminal airports that only a tiny island can pull off.  Several things were immediately apparent as we walked through the airport.  First there were a TON of people working at the airport, I have no idea what anyone was doing because most of them were just standing around.  I also found it weird that all the women (who seemed like they were all in their teens) had skirts for uniforms, and there were at least two different versions of the skirted uniform.  Since it’s impossible to get anything imported into Cuba for general sale to the consumers, almost all of the local Cubans that were returning home had giant boxes of things that they were bringing back from the states.  We later found out that the black market in Cuba is a very real thing and it’s a part of almost every Cuban’s life.  Whatever was brought back from these passengers were likely going to be sold on the black market, which really is only called the black market because it is unregulated by the government.  Next on the “check that out” list is the way the Cuban people dressed.  The men were super matchy matchy; shoes matched the shirt and the hat.  They also wore a lot of gold still.  The women were mostly all dressed up like they were going out for the night.  Really high heels, skin tight and flashy clothing, full blown makeup, and of course the hoop earrings.  It was like the airport was a Vegas casino lobby on a Saturday night.  Lastly, the cars.  Of course the cars!  Cuba definitely stood up to its reputation as having a ton of old 50’s and 60’s American classics and also a bunch of old german cars.  I kinda couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it really was like I was at Cars Land at Disney California Adventure. 

Anyhow on with the trip.  There was a unanimous request to go scuba diving in Cuba, so Whitney outfitted us with a dive shop who would take us out diving. 

“Hey Whit, where are we diving?”

“I dunno, I think there was a communication breakdown, but I think he said something about caves.”

“Huh, that’s weird, typically you can’t dive caves unless you have an advanced certification.”

“I dunno, I told him that a bunch of us were pretty new to diving”

“Guess we’ll find out”

I figured that it was probably just a small cave we could peek into and that the newbies could just stay outside.  I. Was. Wrong.  When we met up with the dive shop outfit, they said, okay today we will be diving in two fresh water caves.  Fresh water? Whaaa? That’s odd that we would be on an island, and a dive shop would take us to fresh water to dive.  The guy then proceeds to ask us all our experience levels.  GC has about a dozen dives, I have a couple hundred dives, Whit probably has about 40 dives, and the other three have not had a dive since their certification.  The dive master then proceeds to tell everyone that normally you should be an advanced diver for any cave diving.  Since its Cuba, he says “Screw the regulations!” And proceeds to take us diving anyway!  We walk about 10 minutes through some trees and brush while the gear truck, which by the by is a classic, follows us through paths it can barely fit through.  At the end of the walk is our dive location; it looks like an oasis out of an Indiana Jones movie.  I am psyched! Not only that, there is a 30 foot ladder that we have to climb to get down to the water level and it is super sketchy.  Oh you Americans with your safety regulations and your handicapped accessible entrances, that shit is dumb.  

Anyhow the first dive is pretty uneventful and since it is fresh water, and there is no water flow, there is also almost no animal life. But conversely, the water is amazingly clear and there is zero current.  It’s like diving in a fish bowl; eerie and surreal.  Now the second dive location was a more difficult dive, so Holly and Christina opted out.  But the remaining four of us got to do a giant stride entrance into a 10 foot drop into the cave.  The dive master then proceeded to take us down this MASSIVE cave.  I would have to say that the mouth was only about 10 feet wide and the bottom was maybe 80’ wide. We spiraled our way down to the bottom of the cave where we were well past 100 feet deep, which is also a ‘no no’ for a non advanced certified diver.  But at the bottom of this cave was a human skeleton which was over 2000 years old.  Only the skull was visible to us, but man that is some mind boggling stuff.  So if you looked up from the bottom of the cave, you could see the opening of the cave and the tiny bright blue ray of light that shined all the way down to the cave floor.  If you saw the new remake of ‘IT’, the bottom of the cave looked like that scene at the end of the movie where all the kids a floating around that giant pile of trash.  “I’m not afraid of you!”  Watch the movie people, it’s scary and good.

With our planned adventuring all done, it’s time to go off script!  Which means pina coladas and Cuban sammiches!!!  Which fyi, are just normal sammiches there, or more specifically Puerco y queso sammiches.  The pina coladas we had were hands down the best pina colada I’ve ever had.  Fresh pineapple and actual coconut milk, not from the can.  Better yet, they let you put the rum in yourself!!  So, you’re probably thinking, that sounds like a normal pina colada, and it does sound that way.  I’m guessing it’s the freshness of the naturally grown coconut and pineapple and the fact that Havana Club is a super tasty rum.

With a little bit of rum in us already, we decide to HAVE MORE RUM!  So while half of us shower and get ready for the night, the other half of us gets drenched in torrential down pour while on an epic journey to the liquor store.

Time for another long ride in a taxi that is about to break down while exhausting directly into the cabin.  Our driver thought it would be fun to drive slower than a burro, so yeah, that was fun. Finally after many black clouds of classic car exhaust, we arrive in Vinales which is the countryside.  We stop for a few snacks, admire the view, get attacked by a human statue, ride a bull, and blow a beer out of my nose.  And onto the countryside we go!  To where?  MORE CAVES! Instead, this time we are in a boat.  The guides were completely worthless.  Their tour consisted of showing off formations of rock that looked like other things, like a tree, or the little mermaid.  I do this when I’m in bed staring at the wall or when I’m looking at clouds instead of looking at the road when I’m driving.  I’m just saying, tell me something that doesn’t make me stupider. 

Next up, tobacco farm tour!  Time to find out where these magical Cuban cigars come from.  Fun facts about cigars from Cuba.  The strength of a cigar is determined by the height of the leaves on the tobacco plant.  The higher the leaf, the more sun the leaf gets, the stronger the flavor.  The cigars are then made with combinations of leaves from different heights of the plant.  Also, if you don’t like the taste of the cigars, then you can dip the mouth part of the cigar in honey, rum, whiskey, or whatever else you want your cigar to taste like.  Better yet, these cigars from Cuba don’t give you the awful, my mouth tastes like poop, morning after you have a cigar.  We ended up brining home 20 cigars each from this farm.  Now back in the car which surprisingly doesn’t break down, though the back hatch definitely came open.  We end the night with more rum and dominos, cause we’re in Cuba, and that is what one does in Cuba.

Day 3 is all about that bass, no treble.  Actually, its all about food!!  That means a food tour through Old Havana.  It also means we have an excuse to take a taxi ride in one of these bad ass classic cars!  When we flagged down our ride the driver told us to be careful closing the door since the car was 50 years old!  That’s pretty amazing considering my 17 year old suburban is already one wheel out the garage door. 

With all food tours, they come with wonderful tidbits about the city.  Our first story was about the first restaurant that we went to.  So there are no loans in Cuba which means whatever you buy, it has to be paid in full and has to be paid in cash.  That means if you have to buy a house, you show up with a duffel bag and say, Yo gusto una casa por favor.  Then you unzip the bag and turn it upside down dumping stacks of CUCs on the seller, stare them in the in face, and finish with “Ahora”.  Then you get punched in the face.  That’s how you know you did it right. 

Anyhow, along with not being able to have a loan, you are also only allowed to own one house in every area of Cuba; for instance the city, the beach, and the countryside. That means that the owner of the restaurant we were in, which used to be 2 buildings, had to be purchased separately by two different people. 

Want more tidbits?  The cannons that were used in the many wars based in Cuba have been turned into city decorations and road blocks. 

More you say??  Old Havana is so nice because the socialist government has been buying all the buildings downtown and renovating them to their original beauty then has stores and businesses occupy them.  How can the government afford to do this?  They put a 10% tax on any money that comes in from the US.  I don’t know why it’s just US currency since the rest of the world has been going to Cuba this entire time.  The money that is used to buy buildings by private businesses, is usually sent from family in the US, which is subject to that 10% tax.

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Enough tidbits?  Okay story time instead.  So this guy below used to work in the restaurant behind him.  He’s apparently a famous chef in Cuba and loved cooking because it brought people joy but the restaurant that he worked in kept him stuck in the kitchen and he didn’t get to interact with the patrons.  He decided to quit working for the restaurant and instead setup a churro cart in front of the same restaurant.  Our guide claimed that they were the best churros in Cuba, I would agree; they blow the pants off the Mexican churros I’ve had, the Disneyland churros, the SeaWorld churros, the churros on Olivera St in downtown LA, and the other churro cart that I went to in Old Havana.  Bet you didn’t know I had such strong feelings about churros.

We went to a local market where all the non-tourists go to get their meals.  So since most of the people make very little money at their government jobs, most people eat at home.  We asked about how plentiful food is being that Cuba is an island.  Turns out, Cuba is very self-sufficient and you can find very good produce and meat; if its local.  We were also informed that no pesticides are used to grow anything in Cuba, but the water likely had organisms that travelers aren’t used to.  The part that I thought was cool was the Cubans make their own imitation sauces which they then bottle up in reused bottles.  We were presented with a giant fresh fruit platter, a young coconut (which apparently was used by nurses back in the wars for patient IV’s since it was a sterile source of hydration and vitamins), and a shot of silver Havana Club rum. 

My previous experiences with bodegas was the New York bodega where you can buy groceries, sundries, alcohol, and drugs all in the same place.  The bodegas in Cuba are actually government run ration distribution stores.  Basically, everyone in Cuba is given a ration of food and sundries every month.  Its something like 10 lbs of rice, 1 chicken, 6 eggs, a tube of tooth paste and a bottle of shampoo.  Its also common practice to slide the person working the bodega some extra CUCs for some deeply discounted extras.  Basically everyone in Cuba has a side hustle.

I haven’t talked much about the food yet because to this point, we’ve had toast with butter and Cuban coffee for breakfast and churro.  But we were warned that the next two places were heavier meals.  The first meal was the official food of Cuba, Ropa Vieja.  This was served with a side of white rice, black beans, and plantains.  Ropa Vieja is translated as old robes.  The story goes that there was this poor man that was trying to feed his family and ended us cooking his old tattered robes in a bunch of spices and it ended up turning into a wonderful meal.  Something about turning water into wine and bread into fish or something like that. Anyhow, it’s a wonderful dish and Holly and I made it for her family for day after Xmas dinner.  The second meal was Cuban lobster, langostino.  It is a smaller crustacean than a lobster and it is much sweeter than a spiny or maine lobster.  It was fantastic, but the real treat at that restaurant was the guys playing music there in their all white, super Cuban attire. 

We head back to the restaurant we started at to meet up with Kool and the Gang; they’ve ordered lunch and Christina orders this baller seafood paella.  Unfortunately, it made her sick for most of the next day so that sucks.  But before the sickness sets in, we manage to find ourselves THE spot for Cuban cigars.  The humidor at this place is an entire wall and is full of Monte Cristos, Romeo and Juliets, and Cohibas.  Oh it’s magical.  After all of us spend a small Cuban fortune on cigars to bring home, we do my favorite thing which is to partake in the countries namesake export.  Translation: We smoked Cuban Cigars, in Cuba, in a smoking room in a Cuban cigar shop!  This room also doubles as a black market trading post as we witnessed upon entry.

Next door to this Cuban cigar shop it the Floridita.  To everyone else, it was the super touristy spot to go to since it was Earnest Hemingway's chosen spot to park it and write all those books at I had to read the cliff notes for in high school.  For me and Holly, it was the nearest bathroom…

Lets go back to the apt!  Let’s take a drop top classic car!!  Rob, you choose!!!  I want that one!!!!  That one is booked, let me get you one that looks like Herbie dressed in drag…  It’s all good through cause the guy had one of those horns that sounds like and old timey Model T and we all thought it was hilarious.  Plus we ended up taking another drop top classic car which was in better shape the next day.  But it was also pink…. Wtf.

Each night we tried to do something authentic and night life-y.  I wanted the whole Copa Cabana experience where I’d be forced to dance some kind of Salsa or Merengue.  The first night we ended up at a rooftop bar, which was cool.  The second night we ended up at a top 40 club which was a bunch of Australian kids; that was a bait and switch.  The last night we shot for the Cuban Art Factory which I thought was a weird name for a place with live music and dancing.  Do you know why that’s weird?  Cause it IS weird, unless of course it was actually a modern art museum meant for the young adults of Cuba; that or the designated place to take a first date.  It says I’m smart but hip and aren’t afraid to chop it up with the riff raff.  The live music?  Oh you’ll LOVE this.  There is a concert hall in this Art Factory that is dedicated to the 80’s and 90’s music of the US.  We saw a Cuban cover band that played the beatles, nirvana, prince and a bunch of other stuff from my youth.  It was pretty cool, but definitely not what I was looking for.  So we headed home after a bit… and played more dominos and drank rum at home.

We had about a half day for our last day, so we trek from our Airbnb to some really tall government building to try and get a bird’s eye view of the city.  Easy right?  Not when you don’t have a map… We definitely walked through some sketchy parts of Cuba before arriving at our destination, which was closed.  This is the part of the blog that I give you actual history, but I don’t know it, so go on Wikipedia and try not to get sucked in.  We took a few pictures and then grabbed a taxi back to Old Havana for some last minute shopping, churros, and another Pepto Bismo colored classic car ride. 

All and all, Cuba was more fantastic than say… San Antonio, but less fantastic then say… a 25% raise.  I would absolutely go back, buy some property, and buy one of those non-shitty classic drop tops and try to drive tourists around with an awful Spanglish accent.  “Hola perros!  Donde esta biblioteca?  Cuanto Cuesta es tu novia?  Te gustas pollo frito?  Mi llammo AC Slater.  Mucho Bien! (Soooooo Good!)”